Overnight Bus Phenomenon

Since the great majority of people in South America don`t own a vehicle buses are the main mode of transport. There are buses to any part of any country that can be reached by land. Their quality is varied from the antique schoolbus repainted in patriotic colors, to the tourist double decker bed-seat that serves meals with little cups of cola. Despite their sundry makeup, there are phenomenon that appear regularly on the Overnight Buses:

The Snore: Deep and Loud, the kind that`s constantly threatening to blast the adnoids into the back of the throat of the snorer and choke him into consciousness. The Snore on the overnight bus isn`t steady and rythmic like it`s prostrate relatives. The bumps, dips and curves of the road create a melody with crescendos, key changes and anthemic choruses. The Snore makes it`s home exclusively in the gullets of the Deepest Sleepers; those who lay unshaken by bus stops, turned on lights, river crossings, police shakedowns, screaming babies and guerrilla attacks....until it`s their stop, then some magical force (perhaps The Snore itself) gives them the awakening kiss, telling them that their dozing has come to an end. Fresh and well slept, the Deepest Sleepers and the latent Snore are a vile team that deprive all around them of what they so effortlessly enjoy.

The Crowder: This guy once heard of a thing called personal space, but he was too busy making other people uncomfortable to find out what it meant. Sitting next to this space invader is a constant battle for centimeters of arm chair and leg space terriroty, until you realize that the struggle is futile. The Crowder´s war machine is apparently equipped with armor against any and all uncomfortable touching...he feels nothing. (Side Note: The Crowder tends to be overweight, middle aged and male, and is absolutely never an attractive woman)

The "Made for Latin American Overnight Bus" Movie: There`s Made for DVD, there`s Made for TV, there`s Made for Jennifer Lopez to act in, and then there`s this. I once had a friend that would rate a movie by watching the preview and asserting at which stage of movie-life she would see it in. "I`ll see that one in the dollar theatre", "Rent the DVD", etc. From Opening Day on down through waiting for it to come to TV on TNT, her system seemed complete until I witnessed the monstrosity of the Made for Overnight Bus Movie. A movie that could only be shown to a group of people who`s only chance of escape is to throw themselves out the window of a moving bus.
Always an action flick, but without the budget to explode much more than a shack and one old car, all MOBMs have but one plot: one, semi-attractive guy with character flaws, sortof a bad boy if you will, but a heart of gold and stolid old fashion convictions about right and wrong fights single handedly (of course the moral support of "the people" and "the girl") against a corrupt gang of some sort. The actors are always horrible, and also unknown unless their names are Van Damme or Norriss... then they`re just horrible. Roundhouse kick to your head.
In one Van Damme MOBM I saw, he and his drunken Indian Vietnam Vet buddy have special connections with the coyotes in the desert, and actually howl like coyotes to signal each other while taking down the two rival groups of desert rowdies that stole his motorcycle and left him for dead. This wasn`t a comedy, but I had to laugh out loud several times during Van Damme-coyote montages. I know what you`re thinking...but you CAN`T not watch. Morbid curiosity or old fashion masochism, I don`t know, but the MOBM is engrossing.
(It`s only fair for me to mention that on one bus ride, I did see Gladiator in English with Spanish Subtitles. So it`s either one extreme or the other.)
oh yeah...Coyote Moon got 4 stars on IMDB....that means it was bad, even for a Van Damme Movie.

The Dead iPod: Nothing can give you the redass quite as violently as when your One True Travel Buddy to The End (your iPod) gives you the flashing battery. If it flashed a hand with the middle finger flipping you off, it`d be less painful. Your last and sometimes only defense against The Snore and the sound of the ill-timed motor without a muffler is your favorite playlist. Hold back the tears, shift your weight to keep your extremities from falling to sleep, and wait for morning.

The Confessor: "What are your beliefs about incest?" It seems that when people find out that you have some sort of moral anchor (being the member of the LDS church in my case) all confessions and awkwardly personal stories become fair game. On an overnighter from Trujillo Peru tu Tumbes at the Ecuadorian border, I met Mario Tello, who`s name I won`t change primarily because he`s not innocent and therefore deserves no protection. Mario blew me away with the question about incest. He`s from Iquitos in the Amazon region. Upon moving to Lima, out of all the 12 million people to meet and start fornicating with, he hooks up with his half sister. Apparently unbeknownst to him, his new mistress (b/c yes, he has an union libre wife back in Iquitos) was the result of an adventure his father had had many years prior. Mario came to find out about his incestuous predicament a few years later, when he went with his father to "meet" his long lost half sister, and found that he already "knew" her, in the biblical sense. Their reunion as brother and sister sparked their passion again; and with full knowledge of their kinship. I`ve come to realize that the catholic confession booth isn`t solely for the anonymity of the sinner, but to avoid the awkwardness evoked by the scandalous admissions. Maybe they should install them on buses.

These Buses are crazy and fun, and a microcosm of South America. My list is just the tip of the iceberg...many remain unrepresented. The Transporter, the Chatter, etc. If you`ve ever been on a crazy bus anywhere, leave a comment and share your experience.